I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my puny iPhone 4 with disgust, wishing with all my might that it were bigger. It’s too portable, too pint-sized, and those qualities have no place in a society that values 6,000-lb SUVs and 2,000-calorie meals over hatchbacks and sensible portions. I’m tired of misplacing a dainty device that was designed with the average hand in mind, and I’m sick of having a smartphone that’s not interested in being anything else.

You can imagine my delight, then, when Samsung took the wraps off its gigantic Galaxy Note, a device the company promises will blur the line between smartphones and tablets. I had to have it, had to see what I’ve been missing with my laughably small, all-too-practical iPhone. Weeks later, I did, and there’s no going back.

The Galaxy Note’s tagline asks if the device is a tablet or a smartphone, but like a girl in Spanx, it’s so much more.

With my wife spotting me, I hoisted the Galaxy Note from its crate, fired it up, and salivated. Never before has 5.3 inches been so excessive, I thought. Glorious.

 Galaxy Note vs iPhone 4

Next to the Galaxy Note, my iPhone looked like a useless toy, like a plastic, bubble-spitting lawnmower beside its real-life counterpart. It was then that I realized my life would never be the same. I’d found an Everlasting Gobstopper – this behemoth would satisfy my every appetite.

Galaxy Note TV

LCD or Plasma? That was my dilemma before the multi-talented Galaxy Note came into my life and spared me the expense. I hung the Samsung in my entertainment center and never looked back. Surely this is what James Cameron had in mind when he reimagined Fern Gully.

 Galaxy Note iPad

But the downsizing didn’t stop there. My iPad was next to go. Why have two touchscreens I can’t possibly fit in my pants? I figured. The Galaxy Note scratched that itch, too.

 galaxy note gym

Who needs a gym membership? With the help of some packing tape, the Galaxy Note attached to my wife’s arm and killed two birds with one 5-inch stone: It pumped out tunes on the go, and it gave her an upper-body workout that a set of free weights would struggle to match. It also saved me a trip to the local court.

 Galaxy Note bulb

Afraid of the dark? Not with a Galaxy Note by your side. Samsung’s full-figured phone filled in for my nightstand lamp and ensured the sun never set in my apartment. And I could swear I’m slightly tanner.

 Galaxy Note bookshelf

An iPhone, we can all agree, is a shitty librarian. It’s too small and soft-spoken to be taken seriously. The Galaxy Note, on the other hand, demands attention like a fat kid on a diving board. It had no trouble keeping my books in order.

After just days with a Galaxy Note, my forearms have never been so toned, and my apartment’s never been so bare. Is it a tablet? Is it a phone? It’s everything. Next up: surfing. Literally.