I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at my puny iPhone 4 with disgust, wishing with all my might that it were bigger. It’s too portable, too pint-sized, and those qualities have no place in a society that values 6,000-lb SUVs and 2,000-calorie meals over hatchbacks and sensible portions. I’m tired of misplacing a dainty device that was designed with the average hand in mind, and I’m sick of having a smartphone that’s not interested in being anything else.

You can imagine my delight, then, when Samsung took the wraps off its gigantic Galaxy Note, a device the company promises will blur the line between smartphones and tablets. I had to have it, had to see what I’ve been missing with my laughably small, all-too-practical iPhone. Weeks later, I did, and there’s no going back.

The Galaxy Note’s tagline asks if the device is a tablet or a smartphone, but like a girl in Spanx, it’s so much more.

With my wife spotting me, I hoisted the Galaxy Note from its crate, fired it up, and salivated. Never before has 5.3 inches been so excessive, I thought. Glorious.

 original Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

Next to the Galaxy Note, my iPhone looked like a useless toy, like a plastic, bubble-spitting lawnmower beside its real-life counterpart. It was then that I realized my life would never be the same. I’d found an Everlasting Gobstopper – this behemoth would satisfy my every appetite.

original 1 Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

LCD or Plasma? That was my dilemma before the multi-talented Galaxy Note came into my life and spared me the expense. I hung the Samsung in my entertainment center and never looked back. Surely this is what James Cameron had in mind when he reimagined Fern Gully.

 original 2 Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

But the downsizing didn’t stop there. My iPad was next to go. Why have two touchscreens I can’t possibly fit in my pants? I figured. The Galaxy Note scratched that itch, too.

 original 3 Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

Who needs a gym membership? With the help of some packing tape, the Galaxy Note attached to my wife’s arm and killed two birds with one 5-inch stone: It pumped out tunes on the go, and it gave her an upper-body workout that a set of free weights would struggle to match. It also saved me a trip to the local court.

 original 4 Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

Afraid of the dark? Not with a Galaxy Note by your side. Samsung’s full-figured phone filled in for my nightstand lamp and ensured the sun never set in my apartment. And I could swear I’m slightly tanner.

 original 5 Samsung’s super sized Galaxy Note changed my life

An iPhone, we can all agree, is a shitty librarian. It’s too small and soft-spoken to be taken seriously. The Galaxy Note, on the other hand, demands attention like a fat kid on a diving board. It had no trouble keeping my books in order.

After just days with a Galaxy Note, my forearms have never been so toned, and my apartment’s never been so bare. Is it a tablet? Is it a phone? It’s everything. Next up: surfing. Literally.